what THEY didn't want you to know.

August 15, 2002

Pentagon Memo
Invasion Plan for Iraq Not Involving Edible Panties #1472
Title: How to Safely Invade Iraq
Status - Classified [i.e. only The New York Times is allowed access to it]


The main theory behind Invasion Plan for Iraq Not Involving Edible Panties #1472 is that the extensive usage of Gummi products in lieu of aerial assaults and the introduction of an eventual ground force would have a far greater chance of overall success.

Gummi forces first came to military prominence playing a limited yet integral behind the scenes role in Operation Desert Storm. At present, it is government policy not to officially acknowledge or deny their involvement in this war.

Gummies are very focused and come from a fine line of squishy Nabisco products. Currently, we believe that the initial invasion force would most likely consist of an assortment of Gummi Bears and Pandas. Gummi Worms would subsequently parachute in to secure the perimeter.

An invasion of Gummi Bears, conducted by special gelatinous forces, would not only spare the lives of American soldiers, but allow for the safe containment of opposition troops and resisting forces as well, harmlessly surrounding them with delicious Gummi products who would simply bounce them into confusion and unconsciousness. The unexpected nature of the threat and surprise attack will offer U.S. gelatinous forces the element of surprise.

The relay of orders to the Gummi legions will be facilitated by the insertion of little microchips into their tiny butts. They will also be dressed in fashionable sugar tuxedos.

The resiliency of Gummi products will also lend itself to our purposes. It is already well known that upon planning the assassination of a Gummi bear, one must fully prepare themselves for the likely eventuality that they may not survive. It is important to aim for the neck, bellybutton, butt, or certain other vital areas, and attempt nothing less than a “kill” shot. This has been well documented in Iraqi military manuals.

Gummi bears are virtually impervious to pain and immune from all forms of known torture including, but not limited to, twisting, squishing, licking, pulling, bending, poking, burial, and opera. When introduced to extreme heat, they enlarge to ten times their standard size at room temperature, enraged and prepared to wreak mushy havoc. This could work in our favor considering the desert climate of Iraq.

Also, we cannot discount the sheer degree of terror to be inspired by an army of bouncing Gummies, madly romping toward the dictator of Iraq’s quivering face.

Additionally, more recent flavors of Gummies have been trained to locate and disarm weapons of mass destruction (country grape for biological, strawberry-watermelon for most chemical, lemon for Sarin, isopropyl methylphosphonofluoridate {Sarin, GB: CH3-P(=O)(-F)(-OCH(CH33)2)}, and lime for nuclear). Giant Gummi Bears (i.e. Heated Gummies) will be required to operate Geiger counters while Gummy Pandas are currently preparing to launch surgical strikes directed at known weapons facilities.

Gummi Bears and Pandas would first be deployed in Baghdad, surrounding various palaces, locating bunkers, gathering intelligence on the ground, and gaining control of weapons depots. With the element of surprise in our favor, they will take up initial positioning on the high ground and inside palace toilets.

Also of interest to note, Gummi products have been trained in various diplomatic capacities, fully capable of erecting and maintaining an interim government of related gelatin products should such a procedure prove necessary (most probably one based upon rudimentary parliamentary government practices). Again, the U.S. should likely play some part in the establishment of an interim government following the subsequent gooey smothering of Iraq’s current leadership.

As we speak, Nabisco is currently entertaining such possibilities with opposition forces within Iraq. We intend to run a copy of this invasion proposal by The New York Times and possibly Entertainment Weekly in order to get their seasoned military feedback. The success of this venture will prove nothing short of delicious.