Oh God

The Washington Post reports on something that may not be quite as horrible as Brainerd diahrrea, but it's a close second. Apparently a mystery bug has been inflicting god-awful stomach illnesses on otherwise healthy people.

First came stomach cramps, which left Christina Shultz doubled over and weeping in pain. Then came nausea and fatigue -- so overwhelming she couldn't get out of bed for days. Just when she thought things couldn't get worse, the nastiest diarrhea of her life hit -- repeatedly forcing her into the hospital.

Doctors finally discovered that the 35-year-old Hilliard, Ohio, woman had an intestinal bug that used to be found almost exclusively among older, sicker patients in hospitals and was usually easily cured with a dose of antibiotics. But after months of treatment, Shultz is still incapacitated.

Really, I wouldn't have gone to the trouble to blog about this except for what I read here:

Some resort to having their colon removed to end the debilitating diarrhea.

!!!!??? I didn't even know it was possible to have diarrhea so bad that having your colon removed becomes a feasible option. All I'm saying is that if I anyone can ever refer to my diarrhea as the "nastiest diarrhea of his life", I'm ending it all with a bullet to the brain.

Real Library News!

Is this a good idea for IPL? From the Dallas Morning News:

Library patrons required to clean up their acts:

A revised code of conduct being adopted at the Dallas Public Library and the city's recreation centers prohibits visitors from "emitting odors (including bodily odors or perfumes), which interfere with use of services by other users or the work staff."

The code also prohibits sleeping, bathing, eating and drinking at the facilities.

Honestly I've never noticed a problem with body odor among IPL patrons. I really have no idea why you guys complain about that so much.

This Should Not Be Legal

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

This person should be stoned.

Seattle man dies after sex with horse!

SEATTLE - A Seattle man died after engaging in anal sex with a horse at a farm suspected of being a gathering place for people seeking to have sex with livestock, police said Friday.

The horse involved in the incident was not harmed, and an autopsy of the unnamed man concluded that “the manner of death was accidental ... due to perforation of the colon,” a police spokesman said.

“The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web,” said Sgt. John Urquhart of the King County Sheriff’s Department.

Although sex with animals is not illegal in Washington state, Urquhart said that investigators were looking into whether the farm, located in Enumclaw, 40 miles southeast of Seattle, allowed sex with smaller animals that resulted in animal cruelty, which is a crime.

“If you’re talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues,” Urquhart said.

God Bless Us, Everyone

...and a Merry Christmas too! And you don't even have to click here if you don't want to.

What is a religion?

Alright I have an interesting question to pose to you all. What, by definition, is a religion? Merriam-Webster states that a religion can be defined as simply as "a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith".

Must a religion include God or the supernatural? I think that our terminology today has become very clouded and ambiguous. Is philosophy or science, by definition, instrinsically different from, separate from, or opposed to religion? Why or why not?

What do you guys think?

Work-Safe Porn

By random browsing I came across this blog named "Occassional Fish" which is located here.

On that page there is a link to what the author claims to be "work-safe porn". See what you think: is it really safe?

Intelligent Design?

I've been reading news reports, blogs, and the like for the last two or three days on the recent Dover ID decision. While I could say a lot of things about this, there is really only one thing that I think I need to say: the whole argument being voleyed from side to side about ID seems woefully ignorant of ID itself. I've read the book Intelligent Design by William Dembski of Irving, TX twice; once as part of a philosophy curriculum at DBU and once again last year over Christmas break. I can assure you that neither time did the book ever tell me that Intelligent Design, as a theory, is religious. It is surely true that the proponents of Intelligent Design are religious, at least most of them, and it is also surely true that Intelligent Design can be religious if you make the claim that God, or some supernatural force, is the Intelligent Designer: but Intelligent Design does not require any of this and is based on none of it. The entire ID theory is based on a mathematical equation that determines a cut-off point for how specifically complex something can reasonably be before it can no longer be considered the product of random events or occurences. God isn't part of the theory. ID is just as satisfied by the notion that aliens from Phaelon planted us here as it is with any form of religious Creationism, or even atheism. God is not necessary for the ID theory.

Now my point of view on Intelligent Design is unimportant, and I'm not making a statement as to whether or not it is science or whether or not it should be taught in public schools. What I am saying is that ID doesn't require any religious content whatsoever. Just because the proponents of the theory are deeply religious, and are creationists doesn't mean that the theory itself is colored with those principles. Does the fact that most rap music is composed by African Americans mean that one must be black to listen to the music? Does the fact that the majority of hispanics are catholic mean that mexican food is religious? This whole argument has been eerily clouded from the fundamental confusion that ID must be religious, and more specifically associated with Christian fundamentalism.

The Ultimate Home Defense?

Could this table be the ultimate in consumer home defense. I hope the burglar didn't bring a gun. However, if they incorporated some of the technology from this, or you donned the bulletproof apron...

Send emails to the future you!

Today I read an article about the website FutureMe.org. In a nutshell, it's a service where you can send yourself an email message that will arrive sometime in the future, supposedly up to thirty years! Now, of course, how do you know if you'll even have the same email account in that amount of time? Or if that email service will even exist? I suppose it could be interesting though... I just can't think of much profound I really feel I need to tell my future self at the moment.

On the Christmas theme...

Go here.

Santarchy Rules!

Look out...Santa's behind you!


This is too, too good.

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) -- A group of 40 people dressed in Santa Claus outfits, many of them drunk, went on a rampage through Auckland, New Zealand's largest city, robbing stores, assaulting security guards and urinating from highway overpasses, police said Sunday.

The rampage, dubbed "Santarchy," began early Saturday afternoon when the men, wearing ill-fitting Santa costumes, threw beer bottles and urinated on cars from an overpass, said Auckland Central Police spokesman Noreen Hegarty.

She said the men then rushed through a central city park, overturning garbage containers, throwing bottles at passing cars and spraying graffiti on office buildings. One man climbed the mooring line of a cruise ship before being ordered down by the captain. Other Santas, objecting when the man was arrested, attacked security staff, who were later treated by paramedics, Hegarty said.

The remaining Santas entered another downtown convenience store and carried off beer and soft drinks."They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," store owner Changa Manakynda said.

Christmas in New Zealand is da bomb!

Christmas with Spinal Tap!

Merry effin' Christmas wankers!


I was listening to the "rock christmas" channel on Yahoo Launchcast, and what do I hear but one of the greatest Christmas songs ever; Spinal Tap's "Christmas with the Devil." This song is totally awesome. Here's a sampling of the lyrics:

The elves are dressed in leather
And the angels are in chains
(Christmas with the Devil)

The sugar plums are rancid
And the stockings are in flames
(Christmas with the Devil)

There's a demon in my belly
And a gremlin in my brain
There's someone up the chimney hole
And Satan is his name!

Rock on!

In the Pirkinning

Like Star Trek? Like Babylon 5? Like the Finns?

Like copyright infringement?

"Whitey" sighted?

Wait a second...which "whitey" are we talking about here? Care to explain uh...Whitey?

The FBI continues to chase James “Whitey” Bulger across the globe and now a few towns away.

Two FBI agents working on a tip questioned a baffled Whitey look-alike in Needham. A neighbor who called in the sighting won’t be collecting the $1 million reward.

$ 1 million?? Uh...Nat-wu or Seamus, send me an email.

Merry Christmas!

Who dis?

Any guesses?

No!

Inspired by hot Christmas action?

Seamus...Whitey...why??

totally tasteless

http://nineeleventetris.ytmnd.com/

Regular Hot Christmas Action!

So continuing with the Christmas theme...I thought to myself "Okay so there's not much more Christmas humor and pranking out there. What haven't I covered?" Well, upon thinking about it, I realized there was one crucial Christmas-theme internet phenomenon I had yet to discuss. Yes, that's correct...I'd not yet blogged about christmas porn.

One would imagine there's not a whole lot of this stuff out there. Compared to the incredibly vast empire of porn that is slathered all over the internet, you might be right. And yet, Christmas porn does in fact exist. How do I know this? Well...merely paying a visit to "Santa Clause Porn" affirms that fact for me. Here's how this lovely website describes itself:


This adult website is for you if you want to celebrate a horny xmas with seductive young babes. Slutty xmas whores licking p#@#$, sucking the big d*&% of Santa Claus and drinking his c#$ ... Hey, you’ll even get some incredible 3somes featuring slutty angels f*$%&*& Santa Claus and Christmas XXX Toons. Imagine you’re the lucky Santa Claus and come on in to view the very best xmas porn you ever will see! CHECK IT OUT NOW!

If that doesn't give you a good idea of what's going on here, try clicking on this link for a few visual representations. (Is it possible that as little girls, these "actresses" dreamed of the day they would fellate Santa Clause?)

If you happen to be a guy who bats for the other team, "Gay Christmas" is the thing for you (DO NOT CLICK ON THIS AT WORK! Actually, just don't click on it period.) At least none of these "gentleman" appears to be dressed as Santa Clause, which puts them one step ahead of the fellows over at Santa's website.

If anyone here chooses to click on these links and inflict this stuff on their eyeballs, at least you will have had a choice in the matter. This unfortunate family was subjected to a little Christmas porn of their own, though not by choice:

A northeast Ohio family hoping to see choirs perform holiday music on Christmas morning instead saw adult programming on the local public access television station.

"I turn it to Channel 15 and there's this naked lady on the screen - I mean full-frontal, get-the-hell-out-of-here pornography," said David Umana. "When I tell about Christmas 2004, I'm betting this will be one of my best stories."

Indeed! (By the way, he deserves an award for best description of porn ever.)

Well guys, after these travels across the internet I may be tapped for Christmas themed ideas. But if you've got any, let me know and I'll bust out google and do the research, so that I can fulfill my Christmas-ghost mandated duty(handed down to me last year on a night of eggnog revelry) of keeping everyone on top of these important subjects.

I smell a TV show...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051209/ap_on_sp_bk_ne/bkn_officer_shaq;_ylt=AjW2jBVYAx2UTeo7bdOcpaMDW7oF;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl

Hot Christmas Prank Action!

This elf got punk'd


In my research on Christmas humor I had a sudden idea: what if you combine the prank/shock theme with the Christmas humor theme, to get the Christmas prank? "Genius!" I said, praising msyelf. Sure enough, there are Christmas pranks being plotted and played out there in the merry Christmas world. Some of these pranks are truly diabolical. Here's one I stumbled across, reprinted in full so you can appreciate the full effect:

All you need to spread a little holiday cheer is heavy weight fishing line, a shoebox, shiny thick gift-wrap, bright red ribbon, and the cover of darkness. Here is how the joke unfolds. Neatly wrapped and bound, an empty gift will be placed on a stranger's porch; a friend rings the doorbell and quickly runs to the waiting car or makes for a prearranged pickup location. The stranger opens the door and sees the shiny gift, that they believe, has been left for their family, perhaps by a neighbor or friend spreading goodwill. Not seeing the fishing strand tied to the ribbon, their eyes light up and their face glows with a delighted smile as they bend over to retrieve the friendly gesture. When the present is almost in hand, you yank the gift from their clutches and drive off, box trailing. Your victim will be dismayed and have a terrific holiday story they will treasure for years.

Brilliant! Though I can imagine a few minor-technical really-details that our little prankster might have to worry about. For one, unless your car is sitting in their driveway, you're going to need some serious fishing string. There's also the question of timing. Unless you're timing is impeccable, you run the not-inconsiderable risk of yanking the Christmas delight out of the hand of the unsuspecting victim. If they happen to holding their goody tightly(and who wouldn't be?)your Christmas prank might be followed by a Christmas visit to a not-so-festively decorated jail on charges of assault and battery. Also, it might be worth a moment to consider what the average person would think of a completely unannounced (and possibly battered) Christmas present sitting on their door step. In this age of the Unabomber and Al Qaeda, I for one would be inclined to call the police or kick it into the law and detonate it. Lastly, even if your prank does go true to plan, there's the possibility that the victim may not have a story they enjoy telling to others, as they may be afraid family and friends will think they've been around the ol' holiday eggnog too much.

But it's a good start, and fully within the old Christmas tradition of pranks. My search continues.

Christmas Humor

Feeling a little bit of holiday spirit last night (in the form of too much cold medicine) on a whim I decided to do a google search for "Christmas Jokes." As you can imagine, there are quite a few Christmas-themed jokes out there. As you can probably also imagine, very few of them are actually funny. One in particular that I ran across is entitled "Hispanic Christmas." Well, hispanics celebrate Christmas, so maybe it's a joke that centers around particularly hispanic Christmas customs? Um, not so much:

"The night before Chreemas, on Thorsday I theenk,
I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk.
I dreenk saam tequila, I dreenk eet too fast,
Preety damn queek, I fall on my ass."

So in the first stanza we learn our joke involves a drunken Mexican with a Speedy Gonzalez accent. But the "joke" ends strangely. After "Speedy" encounters a Mexican Santa Clause, Santa clause speeds away but not without issuing one last admonition:

"He going away and the last theeng I heeer,
'IF YOU VOTE FOR BILL CLINTON, I BE BACK NEXT YEAR!'"

Huh? Okay so at first glance that seems pretty anti-Clinton. But wait, does that mean Mexican Santa's visit to Speedy was a bad thing? Or is he saying that Mexicans should vote for Democrats and he'll reward Speedy if he does? I don't get it. Maybe I should't, considering the "joke" is at least 10 years out of date, if not more.

I shall continue my search for elusive Christmas humor. More updates to come.